CREATING PEACE

Techniques for Clearing the Space for Communication - Part II

In clearing the Space for communication, what is often filling it up is unaddressed emotion. Learning to complete the natural arc of our emotional experience is paramount if we are to be successful in our relationships.

Barbara De Angelis' Emotional Map is based on the premise that all emotions pass through a natural arc. Relationship impasses are often the result of couples interrupting each other at any given stage of the arc, preventing the natural unwinding of emotion to occur. In its simplest form, people who are perpetually angry with each other never get to work through to the hurt and sadness stage. And people who are forever sad and disappointed, haven't gotten to express their fear and anxiety. Each emotional stage leads itself naturally to another until the emotions resolve and the Space between loved ones is once again clear.

A good technique for processing yourself through such stuck emotions as these is to write yourself a letter addressed to the person or situation with which you are upset. Let's walk through it, now.

The Emotional Map

• Anger, Blame, & Resentment
• Hurt, Sadness, & Disappointment
• Fear, Insecurity, & Wounds
• Regret, Understanding, & Responsibility
• Intentions, Solutions, & Wishes
• Love, Forgiveness, & Appreciation

As shown above, the emotional map begins with anger, blame and resentment, and magically ends with love, forgiveness and appreciation. The beauty of this technique is that each stage will prepare you for the next. Read along and try it out sometime.

Write a letter to yourself addressed to whom or what you are angry, upset about, or stuck on. Write in clear statements and complete sentences. Keep it simple and to the point. Be specific and be direct. When moving through each emotion, keep focused on the feeling at hand. Complete each stage before moving on to the next. You will know you are complete when you begin to repeat yourself. You may not feel ready to move on, but if you are repeating your words and thoughts, trust that it's time to.

Here we go:

Anger, blame, resentment
Even if you are feeling stuck in sadness, begin with this first stage. Allow yourself to express your anger with words. Write down the thoughts and feelings you would not want anyone to know. Confess the depths of your anger and the tone of your rage.

When writing about blame, really let 'em have it! Don't hold back and don't sensor yourself. Remember you are on your way to feeling balanced. Right now, you are pissed off and it is somebody else's fault!

Resentments can lodge in our bodies for lifetimes. Take the opportunity to name what you are feeling resentful about and to let it out on paper. This is an important and vital step of the process.

Hurt, sadness, disappointment
Under the anger is the pain. Confessing the pain can create deep feelings of vulnerability. Many of us never even know we are hurt, we're so angry. But once you have said all you have to say about being angry, it is time to speak from your pain. Hit each word individually and allow yourself to speak from the hurtful places. Allow your words to express your deep felt sadness and articulate the myriad of disappointments that have been trapped within your being. Be gentle. Be truthful. And take your time.

Fear, insecurity, wounds
This is a rich, rich area. Under the anger and disappointment shutters a frightened part of ourselves. Fear is the most vehemently defended emotion of all. We need to feel safe enough to name our fear and speak to its hold on us. From there, we are more easily in dialogue with how insecure we may be feeling. Getting to this fear and insecurity brings relaxation to the body. A weight may be lifted as you let down your defenses and give this part of yourself voice.

Once you have reached your feelings of pain, memories of old wounds will surface. And it is this connection to the wounds of our past that will begin to set us free.

Expect memories from your childhood to arise, and feelings of sorrow and pain as you confess your fear and connect with how the present circumstances evoke some insecurities within. Write openly and specifically about how your current situation reminds you of the helplessness of your past. We are brought together in relationship to heal our wounds. Once you can connect the old familiar pain of the past with the present events - your healing process begins.

Regret, Understanding, & Responsibility
Returning to the present moment, we view again our difficulties and begin to turn our attention to what we have done and what we could do differently. With a new perspective on a troubling situation, we begin to regret some of our actions which might have contributed to the present problems we are now facing.

With the anger at bay and our vulnerability felt, it is easier to name those things that we wish we hadn't done; that we wish we could take back. This humbling experience leads to a greater awareness and the gift of understanding next arises.

Write from the part of you that understands the situation, that understands what has happened and understands the other person. Take responsibility for yourself, for your words and actions, for the energy you brought to the problems, for your part in what has gone wrong.

Spending time in the safety of this process, taking responsibility for ourselves, owning our doings and moving from blame to reclamation is a freeing privilege. Enjoy the moments of courage and the grounded connection to your center of well being. Removing blame and taking responsibility will clear a lot of Space in your relationship. That Space that is cleared is yours to celebrate and enjoy.

Intentions, Solutions, & Wishes
The actions of responsibility fill the heart with clear intentions. Arriving at a place where you can speak to what you want for yourself, for your relationship, for the injured situation, is what this step is all about. Present in this portion of the process, whatever solutions you might perceive. Express your highest wishes, the dreams for all. Stay grounded in your truth here, and speak from your heart the clarity you now have in your mind.

Love, Forgiveness, & Appreciation
Finally, you are safe enough to love again. To forgive yourself your transgressions. To forgive those involved their imperfections. With the past in the open and the fears named and revealed, you can reconnect with those parts that you appreciate in your loved ones and in your life. This is a time to acknowledge the positive qualities in your mate. A time to let them know how you value their presence in your life. Fill your heart with love and appreciation and let your pen connect to the words.

To be at peace once more, to feel centered and alive, empowered and free, is what this process is all about. Staying with your feelings long enough to get through the dark tunnel and back into the light.

Final Thoughts

Many of us never get to experience what is on the other side of our frustrations, pain and disappointment. May this writing exercise grant you the courage (and experience) to speak your complete truth. And even more of a gift, may it invite you to invite others to move through their full realm of feelings too, thereby welcoming into all of your lives the complete emotional arc that is your human expression.

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First published on SoulfulLiving.com - April 2003

© Copyright 2003 Karen Deborah Farris.