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GRACEFUL LIVING Belly Up: Confessions of a Professional Speaker Have you ever been off your game? When all your knowledge and sensibilities were disconnected from your body and thinking-mind for ten minutes, one hour, or say, even for one full day? A time experienced without your trusted, tried-and-true methodologies by your side? A complete and total severing of all you know and all you need in a moment? Tongue-tied when it's your turn to speak, lead-footed when it's time to leap, a deer-in-the-headlights when it's time to prance? A complete and utter high-jacking of your present state of mind? That kind of bad day, lost hour, nightmare event, when you realize you are not sleeping, you cannot wake up, that what is going on has possibly several more hours before concluding, and all you can do is try to keep your dignity intact? A time when losing consciousness would be a blessing? But rather you stand in horror as your mouth does speak and your body does move, but only as controlled by some sinister alien from a distant evil planet. These unexpected, out of control periods of time for which no one can prepare us, will at some point, at some time, come to us all. And it is only after the visitation that we can later realize how the ways we respond to these life-changing events predict the rise or fall of the fruits of our labor and materialization of our hopes and dreams. If we can see it, it is how we humans react, take in, integrate, reason with, utilize, process, survive, and carry on from such spellbound moments in time that is what the spiritual life is preparing us for all along. Situations where we can go belly up are everywhere waiting to happen. In advertising, it's that big fish client you've prepared months and weeks to be in the same room with Monday morning. In acting, it's the audition for that famed director you've admired the last fifteen years. And for myself, it was that special speaking engagement I'd been preparing for and looked forwarded to since booking it in June. BELLY UP Yes, there was a lot going on that day, much to do, lots of newness in the mill. But experience would have told me, going in, that the evening was to be like any other. I'd tune into the crowd, top up my outline, take the stage, do my thing, step down feeling pretty good, and on the drive home would reassess and find at least three things I could have done better; the next day I'd take time to improve upon them, and then fold the improvements into my outline which would make me all the more prepared for my next event. What a surprise I got when I took the stage, looked at my notes, and realized that they were of absolutely no value to me at that time. What a shock it was to find myself cold and blank, as though I had woken up in someone else's life and was giving a lecture on a topic about which I knew absolutely nothing. Rather than having access to my twenty years of experience of teaching, writing and presenting, a complete and utter wipe of the mental hard drive had taken place and my Macintosh start up symbol icon was quickly going from smiley face to down-turned mouth, instead. Rather than being graced with all I knew of my life's work, I could only see, hear and experience that which I had no clue. Only the doubt, confusion, and lifetime of unanswered questions were standing by my side. And on I went for the time assigned me, grabbling to explain with confidence that which I, for now, had only doubts. On the long drive home, my mind still empty, my questions crystal clear, I felt a slow swelling as a parade of emotions moved through. It was confusing to know that by way of my agenda that evening, I had crashed and burned, but that by way of a greater happening, I was on the brink of something I'd been seeking all along. Everything I've learned on this path to conscious freedom told me that I was in the hands of fate now. For only a divine orchestration could have stripped me so perfectly of all that I'd been prepared for, leaving only the axiom of this next level of truth to be explored. Gradually, over the next few days, what I was unable to answer on the stage that night brought all the light of my life shining down upon it. There was nothing else to focus on, the question had become simple: What was the gift in the unplanned event of that day? What was the opportunity in the "failing" of that night? What came out of this walking nightmare was the answer to a year's worth of prayers. There had been places in my work where I was stuck and could not figure out how to build the bridge from one part of my work to another: a book I had been unable to complete: a career move I'd been unable to take, a momentum within which I'd been continually stalled, a question I had no answer for. I have never in my life been so unprepared for and yet so incredibly grateful to a shift such as this in kind and in size. GRACEFUL LIVING Graceful living is as much about what to do on a bad day, as it is about what to do on a good one. And what we are able to gain from the worst of our experiences is evermore in the fabric and foundation of the successes in our lives. For me, the disaster of the failed event has become the single greatest happening of my career. For only since then I have been able to navigate through a year's worth of sticking places in the development of my person, my work and my career. And what a high I have been on since then as the floodgates have opened and I have been freed to walk into my future. These are the kinds of wonderful highs and lows that can be expected if you are making your way in life boldly, succinctly, and passionately. Only if you are playing the game of life can you pitch a no-hitter. And only if you are on the playing field can you be a part of the losing team. Graceful living isn't only what we do correctly with preparation and forethought that changes our path and the meaning of time, but also how we respond to the sweeping hand of chaos and disorder when it reaches out from the mysteries of life and swats you, without warning, up and into your future-a future that you not only are destined to be a part of, but one that you hope and wish for with all your focus, concentration and prayer. First published on SoulfulLiving.com - December 2003 © Copyright 2003 Karen Deborah Farris. |
